Barista Laments

Customer Relations

2006-04-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

This actually happened long before I burnt out and had to take a vacation (for three months).

I was working the bar ALONE during a rush. This is actually pretty difficult.
You have to be organized, be able to think fast, plan ahead, and multi-task.

I have a hard enough time brushing my teeth and looking in the mirror at the same time.

Anyway,
I had a line of five or six drinks that needed skim milk, and one venti hot chocolate (with whole milk).

As I was stressing to get all seven drinks finished in a minute and a half, I mistakenly poured skim milk into the dude's hot chocolate.

Not even a second after I poured the milk, I realized that I had made a mistake and went to remark the cup and start over.

As I was marking the new cup, the customer, who was hovering over the bar, said with a very bitchy attitude "I saw you pour skim into that cup. You had better not try and give me that crap."
I apologized and commented that I was a little stressed and brainless that day.
He said "Well, Starbucks obviously has no problem hiring morons."

I didn't look up, but I replied:
"Why? Are you looking for a job?"

The man left without taking his drink.

Whatever. F him.

Back again and ready to complain

2006-04-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

After a long and much needed hiatus, I have returned to my happy little Starbuck's store.

Stay tuned for cartoon-worthy shenanigans to be posted after each shift.

I will dish all the dirt.

That is, until I am officially dooced.

More later.

Giant Douche?

2005-11-16T17:51:00.000-08:00

Hi! My name is Ryan. I used to work for a very busy Starbucks, but then I called in an hour into my shift and quit!
After that, I thought it was perfectly fine to go back to the same store, and try to get them to give me free drinks! They laughed and chased me out with a broom. Then, I came back a few days later, and tried to get a free drink by presenting a service recovery coupon, which I obviously stole.

I got pissed when the register partner ripped it up in my face, smiled, and politely told me to go fuck myself. I haven't been back into the store since then. They are mean!

It's official. Ryan is a giant douche.
Final tally?
Yes: 27
No: 0

How to get free coffee drinks

2005-10-25T16:20:00.000-07:00

A particularly sly Starbucks customer made these observations:
(He's right about most of these things... but if someone asks me for a free drink out of earshot of management, not like they give a shit, I'll usually give it to them. Unless, of course, they are a douchebag.

HOW TO GET FREE DRINKS AT STARBUCKS
During my years frequenting Starbucks, I’ve observed ways to beat the system and get free drinks. This is dedicated to your poor schmos who cant afford an affordable luxury. I pay for my drinks but have “accidentally” stumbled on these field-tested rules.

Rule number 1: Go the busiest store near you to capitalize on worker confusion.

The key is to find a *$ that is busy, where confusion makes it easy to get away with things. If you go to an empty store where the person who rings you up is the same person who makes your drink, you aren’t getting away with anything.

Rule number 2: Make it seem like your order was incorrect.

If a barista screws up your order, they correct it and give you a coupon for a free drink the next time you come. Technically this isn’t completely free since you have to make that first purchase, but you can keep the chain alive and get free drinks forever.

Example: “Yeah, um, this is a caramel latte but I actually ordered a vanilla latte.” Of course you really did order a caramel latte but the person who took your order is busy (you’re at a busy *$ remember?) and forgot what you really ordered.

Rule number 3: Purchase something small and then act like a patient, confused customer waiting for his coffee beverage.

A bolder extension of rule number two is the real/fake purchase scam. You first need to order a baked good from the cash register person. After she gives it to you in a bag, mill around for about five minutes and then go to the barista and say, “Have you made a grande white mocha?” Look confused but gentle, like a puppy dog. They will look at their cups and see it was missing, and then promptly add yours to the queue.

Rule number 4: Wait by the bar like a snake and grab a drink that has been sitting there for more than 3 minutes.

At busy stores the inefficiencies in the system cause a lot of duplicate drinks to be made. The drinks sit on the bar for a while until the barista’s throw them away. All you gotta do is go up there and grab a drink. This scam has a couple downsides: the drinks will probably be lukewarm by the time you get it and like a person shopping for a home in a hot real estate market, you will never get your first choice. Most of the drinks are lattes with some wussy modification like a splash of soy milk.

Rule number 5: Greet barista’s by their name.

If you are a regular at a specific store, simply ask for the first names of the people that work there and introduce yourself. They will promptly forget your name but it doesn’t matter, for each time you go there and greet them by name you create a friendly vibe that encourages them to hook you up. It’s acceptable to be a little funny. To milk your connection indefinitely, it may be a good idea to tip them every now and then so they don’t think you are cheap. Little do they know that you are just broke because you have no skills that companies would pay for.

There are holes in every system and if you patient enough its easy to pick them apart with simple observation. I conclude with a disclaimer: don’t blame me if your stupid ass gets caught.

(His blog is here)

free starbucks
starbucks sucks
starbucks

What? We Were Bored.

2005-10-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I'll get dooced for this.

Check out my favorite coffee bums.

dooced

Stop. It's Hammer Time.

2005-10-01T22:59:00.000-07:00

Laundry List of Sbux Rants:

1. Our fucking sanitizer (dishwasher) has been broken for um... like a month now. Our chinsey-ass district manager is so concerned about his stupid bonus that he would rather make us wash our dishes by hand than lose a few hundred extra dollars. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind washing dishes by hand, but in a fucking food service establishment it is a. unsanitary and b. time consuming. It's not like we don't already have a million things to do to close the stupid store without having to wash everything by hand.

2. Sbux gives great medical insurance benefits to its "partners". You only have to work 240 hours per quarter to get it, and keep it. (That averages out to be 20 hrs/week.) I recently lost my benefits because I haven't been able to work enough due to a serious illness. The fiscal quarter has just ended again, and I have a chance to get my benefits back. My QTD hrs: 239.37.

I'm not kidding.

3. Our store is practically held together by duct tape and twine. Everything is broken, about to break, or broken and red-neck rigged. We have a shelf that is supported by a huge stack of venti cups. The doors are torn off of two cabinets. Our espresso bars and blenders are about to die at any moment...
We have weekly system issues and have to give away free product...

I'd quit, but then I'd spend 1K on coffee every month.

Woe is me.

Starbucks Pisses Off The Religious Right

2005-09-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

Religious activists have been busy at work boycotting Starbucks Corporation because of its progressive attitude towards diversity. Starbucks sponsors gay pride events in many cities, and proudly embraces its gay employees.
The Christian Examiner accuses Starbucks of "promoting the homosexual agenda" with quotes printed on coffee cups. (On a side note, what exactly is this 'homosexual agenda', and why haven't I received a copy of it?)

If you have been to Starbucks recently, you may have noticed different quotes printed on the side of your coffee cup.
One of these quotes, by Armistead Maupin has "sparked a firestorm of controversy" (in the cliché saturated parlance of our media moguls.)

The quote reads: "My only regret about being gay is that I repressed it for so long. I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone. Don't make that mistake yourself. Life's too damn short."

Baylor University actually went as far as to have 500 cups with the Maupin quote removed from the store.
Linda Ricks, Marketing Program Manager of Baylor Dining Services, said Baylor Dining Services agreed to get rid of the cups out of respect for "Baylor culture.""There are different view points on the Baylor campus, We pulled the cup to be sensitive to view points."

Ricks said Starbucks's headquarters supported the cup removal.

Beneath each quote is printed a cautious disclaimer: "Please note: The opinions put forth by contributors to “The Way I See It” do not necessarily reflect the views of Starbucks." The disclaimer has done little to shield the coffee giant from attacks by right-wing activist groups. Concerned Women For America, a Christian women's organization, which promotes itself as being the antithesis of the National Organization For Women complained that most of the quotes on the cups are liberal.

The group believes that the coffee chain has a responsibility to reflect the diversity of its customers by using a balanced approach in ad campaigns-- or by staying away from socially controversial topics completely.

Maureen Richardson, state director of Concerned Women for America of Washington, stated:
"Corporations have deeper pockets and therefore more influence than individuals do,"
"I think it's wiser for them to stay out of these issues so that they don't offend conservatives and people of faith."
To these companies, she says: "If you want my money, support some of my causes."

"The Way I See It" campaign does not set out to take a political stand but rather to encourage discourse, said Starbucks Spokesperson Audrey Lincoff.
"If you think back to the history of the old coffee houses, before the Internet, these were places to converse," she said. "That's part of what the coffee culture has been for a century or more."

Starbucks doesn't categorize the quotes printed on the cups as liberal or conservative; but rather as a diverse group of intellectuals, artists, musicians, educators and athletes.

"Embracing diversity and treating people with dignity is one of the guiding principles of our corporation," Lincoff said.

Starbucks will not be removing the Maupin quote, or any others from its "The Way I See It Promotion".

starbucks; gay; politics; maupin

Poop

2005-09-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

I posted this on my other blog, but it really belongs here.

Don't get me wrong, I love dogs. I just hate it when people think that they are so important that the rules don't apply to them. I also hate that Starbucks "say yes" policy seems to trump the FDA.

So, management, in their infinate wisdom insists that it is acceptable for a person to bring a dog into Starbucks, as long as they are holding the dog in their arms.

The FDA disagrees.

"6-501.115 Prohibiting Animals.*

(A) Except as specified in ¶¶ (B) and (C) of this section, live
animals may not be allowed on the PREMISES of a FOOD
ESTABLISHMENT...
...(2) Patrol dogs accompanying police or security officers in
offices and dining, sales, and storage areas, and sentry dogs
running loose in outside fenced areas;
(3) In areas that are not used for FOOD preparation and that
are usually open for customers, such as dining and sales
areas, SERVICE ANIMALS that are controlled by the disabled
EMPLOYEE or PERSON, if a health or safety HAZARD will not
result from the presence or activities of the SERVICE ANIMAL; ...
...(5) In areas that are not used for FOOD preparation, storage,
sales, display, or dining, in which there are caged animals or
animals that are similarly confined, such as in a variety store
that sells pets or a tourist park that displays animals...

No where in that document does it read anything about carrying an animal.

You have so much to live for!

2005-09-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

"...I'll do it... if I have to make one more frappuchino, I swear, I'll do it."

Favorite Customer Of The Day

2005-09-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

This adorable little girl waited patiently in line and then approached the counter. I said hello and asked what I could get for her. She said "may I please have one kids hot chocolate?" She paid with her Starbuck's card. I think her name is Paige, and she is three years old.

New study shows...

2005-09-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

I hate one out of every ten Starbucks customers.

Today some tragically daft young lady stood in front of my register for a good three minutes while sizing up the pastry case.
She turned and said to her equally daft friend "Do you think those muffins have carbs in them?" I bit my tongue. Her friend said: "I dunno, ask them." Daft girl #1 turned back to me, blinked and said: "Um...do those muffins, like, have any carbs in them?"
I paused for a moment, considered my response and said (with a straight face) "no... no carbs in those muffins." She ordered two.

Case in point:

2005-09-16T01:33:00.000-07:00

This person is soooo important, they have to take up two parking spaces RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STORE! God forbid somebody scratch his Beamer.

Sometimes...

2005-09-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

I really hate people. Specifically the over privileged assholes who come into my store.

Anyway, what brought this on was the whole Katrina mess. We, at Starbucks, are able to take donations for the Red Cross at our registers by ringing it in as a transaction. Every penny of the donations go to the Katrina survivors.

Some six-figure-three-inch-dick-head made some comment, as loudly as he could, so that everyone in the store could hear him- "I wouldn't give a cent to those idiots. It's not like they didn't have any warning."

I just stood there stunned, looking at the guy. He had his money in his hand, and was ready to go, but I couldn't function immediately. I had to say something.

As politely as my surely-ass attitude would allow, I pointed out that many of the evacuees were single mothers with children. Most of the people living in the shelters had a median income of 11,000/year. That is next to nothing! How were these people, who were most likely living check to check anyway supposed to leave? Were they going to get a motel room? How were they going to pay for the gas to get there? How were they going to feed themselves after they left their 5/hr jobs?

Count your blessings, dick head.

My Hero!

2005-08-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

I want to meet this guy and buy him a drink.

Working downtown Seattle in the "Heart of Seattle" district, comes complete with damn near minimum wage pay. Those who take our tips might as well just ask me to bend over and do a little double-dip action with their free iced venti water. As for those who want to sit in line, our labor allowance is regulated by our budget, which is determined by performance, and if it takes us one extra minute every other customer thats a significant portion of our capacity reduced, thus, I get no hours. So take forever, take our tips, spend our time serving paying customers with your free waters, and make sure you get insulted when I call the drink out in the right order to the barista on bar so that it's made right.. because you think we are correcting your improper ordering technique. And by the way, we do love our regulars, they are special and we connect with them. The curbhumper psychos that want special attention can find it somewhere around 4th and Pike underneath the bus stop bench. Thank you! I want to be your bad barista.

From:
Starbucks Gossip

I don't know what is wrong with me

2005-08-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

I couldn't hold on to anything tonight, even if ya glued it to me. I came home covered from head to toe in syrup and mocha powder. I had coffee stains on my SOCKS.

Let's recount my evening closing.

5:30 - (Half an hour after signing in) I drop a pitcher full of milk. (About 3/4 gallon.) You would not believe the blast radius of a half-gallon milk explosion.

6:15 - I knock a pitcher full of beverage base (that white junk we put in cream based frappuchinos) into the sink.

7:30 - I bump a blender pitcher which is set up with a Venti (24 ounce) mint mocha chip frappuchino. It hits the floor.

7:45 - A whip cream canister slips out of my hands

8:30 - A co-worker drops a cup full of chai syrup down her shirt (I think it may be contagious.)

9:00 - While pouring fresh skim into a pitcher, I get splashed in the face. Not a little splash. A BIG SPLASH. It goes in my ear, down my shirt... and eventually down the front of my pants.

10:15 - Trying to close. I Dump half a bag of mocha powder. I was tipping it to put it in the metal container, but instead most of it flies all over the store.

I handled the mop more times tonight than I think I have in the entire year I've worked at the Bux.

I got home and collapsed on an arm chair.

The dog came to greet me, sniffing all over as usual. She licked the syrup, powder, coffee etc from my shoes, and the whip from the bottoms of my pants.

I stood up to go upstairs, turned around to collect my belongings, and the dog started to lick my butt. Ew.

When I felt back there, ahem... and I realized I had congealed syrup of some kind ALL OVER MY TRUNK!

I went to take a shower and had to PEEL my clothing from my body- I had that much syrup on me.

We had all our asshole customers in one day for some reason. We must have put a sign on the door that says "Assholes get free coffee today".

...why the hell do people insist on swarming restaurants fifteen minutes before they close?
I had to bust my Kung-Fu and kick everyone out.

I am SO not looking forward to tomorrow.

2005-08-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

from http://postsecrets.blogspot.com

Ok, so...

2005-08-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

I was the asshole barista today.

I had a rough day to begin with... and an even rougher night before. We did have a good shift closing, though. We had a great crew who knew what they were supposed to do. We even got out of there 15 minutes early.

Anyway, I show up today and the place looked like a coffee-ground-grenade had detonated. The bar was backed up by about 15 minutes. There was a line out the door. There were two poor baristas: one chained to the blender turning out fraps as fast as he could, the other floating between a register and the espresso bar.

I was supposed to be on a register, but the place was a madhouse. I jump on the bar (in the nick of time, I might add) and crank out about 15 drinks.
I had a lot of hover-ers and whiners, but not more than standard.

Only one really big douche-bag worth complaining about...
some lady asked for an extra hot latte. I made her extra hot latte and handed it to her. (I steamed the milk to 175 degrees. It scalds at 180, and then the whole place smells like burnt plastic.)
She looked at me and said "THIS is not extra hot". She slammed her cup on the bar so hard that the lid came off and her "not-extra-hot" latte and the "not-extra-hot" milk sloshed all over her hand. She jumped back, clearly scalded, and ran to the condiment bar for napkins. So I steamed the milk to 177, remade her drink and set it on the bar. She sheepishly picked it up and slank out to the parking lot burned and embarrassed.

I actually kinda felt bad for her.

Job Related Suicidal Ideation

2005-08-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

Last night, as I was closing, (Busting my ass to get out of there by 10:30 so management doesn't freak) I kept eyeing the box cutters we keep around for various tasks. (Scraping the goo off the steam-wands, opening cartons, slicing up lame-ass customers, etc.) This melodic little chant kept circling through my head. "Down the highway, not across the street! Down the highway not across the street!" So I just tossed a box cutter in a blender and hit 2. Wait- that's what I wanted to do. But instead I poured a double and tossed it in with my Maker's Mark on the rocks. Wait- that didn't happen either. Will workmen's comp cover job induced insanity?

Some more annoyances for you:
Last night some douche-bag and her fat fucking family came through my line. Her fat-ass, condescending, twit-son wanted a $40 gift card and his free half-pound of coffee. Only he wanted a promotional coffee. I explained to him that the offer didn't cover promotional coffees. He rolled his fat eyeballs and asked for a half-pound of espresso instead. That isn't covered under the promotion either, but I just wanted him to go away, so I said okay.

A line was forming. (Now 4 deep.)

I tendered the transaction.
He remembers he wants a drink.
He stares up at the menu board.
...
Two minutes later. (Now 7 deep)
"Gimme a mocha frappuchino."
I called his order.
"No, wait. Make that a caramel one instead." (Now 9 deep)
I re-called his order. My barista dumped the pitcher and started over.
"No, wait. Make that a caramel macchiato. (He pronounced it mash-ee-atto.) (Now 11 deep.)
I asked if he was sure.
He said "yes, gimme a caramel mash-ee-atto".
I called his drink.
"Wait.. can you make that with skim milk and no whipped cream?" (It doesn't come with whipped cream.)
I re-called his drink (venti-skim caramel macchiato).
"No whipped cream!" He barked at my barista, who snapped back, "It doesn't come with whip." Good for her.

I tendered his second transaction. (Now 14 deep)

"Oh, can you grind this for me?"
I said "sure, what kind of coffee machine do you use?"
"It's espresso."
"Right, and will you be using it in an espresso machine?"
"No, I'll just make it in my coffee maker."
I was getting ready to strangle him.
"Does the filter have a flat bottom or a cone shape?"
"Flat. Wait. I mean cone. Mom?! What kind of filter does the coffee machine have?"

Enter the mother (from across the store).
Mom: "The regular kind."
Me: "Flat bottom?"
Mom: "No, it looks like a cone." (People in the line are leaving.)

I go to grind the coffee, come back a few minutes later, and my barista is handing out service recovery coupons to everyone in the shop. The fat ass family doesn't even notice.

Mom: "Gimme a grande, skim, decaf, latte. Grande is the large right?"
Me: "Venti is the large."
Mom: "That's dumb. Okay gimme one of those."
I call the drink: Decaf, venti, skim, latte.
Mom yells at barista: Make sure that's decaf!
My barista grit her teeth. I was kinda hoping she would make it a decaf, venti, skim, extra-lugi, latte.

I ask if she would like anything else. She says no.
I tender transaction # 3.

Mom: "Oh wait. Can I have a pound of decaf espresso?"
I get it for her. (Line out the door.)
Mom: "Can you grind it for me?"
Yes, paper cone?
Mom: "No, it's espresso, grind it for an espresso machine."
Me: "Steam or Pump"?
Mom: I don't have time for this. Just grind it.

I said okay, and ground that shit for a French press. Tee hee.

(In case you don't know, French press is just about the coarsest grind. Espresso is just about the finest.)

I hand her the coffee.

"Next, please!"

Last night was full of dick-heads and douche-bags. I even started the evening in a good mood.

P.S.

2005-08-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

I'm putting together a "Boys of Starbucks" calendar. If you have any nominations please email me.

Love Hate Relationship

2005-08-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

I hate my job, but I love coffee.
The bastards have me hooked. I can never quit.
...

Okay, maybe I don't really hate my job.

A bad day at Starbucks is still a good day in Baghdad.

Some po-dunk gossip for my throngs of readers:
We have a new assistant manager. He is the biggest TOOL I have met all day.
This guy was the store manager of another store in the district, but is such a big TOOL that he was demoted to assistant manager and moved to our store.
What the hell did we do to deserve this?

To the lady who chewed our sample scones with her mouth open while gawking at the over-head menu board: You made me gag. Actually, I threw up a little in my mouth.
Try regaining composure when that happens. Ew.

Daily Tard-o award (yeah, I just made that up) goes to:
Scott (the new kid).
Commendation:

When Scott was asked to measure and grind a half-pound of coffee, he shouted across the crowded store: "How much is a half-pound? Point three seven (.37)?

Another example

2005-08-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

Some six-figure dick head came in today (this happens a few times a day, at least) wearing a pink "Barbie Dumped Ken" t-shirt. She was one of those sad middle aged women who try really hard to look under 30. She had three strikes against her, in addition to wearing tight, age inappropriate clothing, she was on her cell phone, had no idea what she wanted and changed her mind three times... then she rolled her eyes and bitched when the poor frustrated barista fucked up her order. I really hate Starbuck's customers.

It's not Burger King

2005-06-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

Some pretentious fuck with nothing better to do on a Saturday came into Starbucks and asked for a "grande, sugar-free vanilla, 120 degree late". I made his drink, handed it to him, thanked him and was about to go about business, when he pulled a DIGITAL THERMOMETER out of his POCKET, stuck it in his drink, and said "124. You need to calibrate your thermometer."

I wanted to calibrate his attitude.

I Hate Starbucks

2005-06-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

I Hate Starbucks

Starbucks hates you too.

Frap-u-fucking-chino

2005-06-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

Ways to ruin your barista's day:
1. Order a frapuchino.
2. Dump your coffee in the trash can, so there's more room for cream.
3. Pay for your coffee with a $20, $50, or $100.
4. Approach the counter while on your cell phone.
5. Make everyone wait for you to finish your conversation before you order.
6. Ask for 20, $5 gift cards when there is a line out the door.
7. Insist that your milk be steamed to 180 degrees.
8. Hover over the bar while your drink is made.
9. Insist that your coffee be made in a press.
10. "Forget" to tip.